I have not written anything here for a little while. I’ve been unsure what to write. I write to make myself feel better but part of me also writes for a bit of validation. Not that I seek attention, but rather I just want people to know. I don’t even need people to understand, just a nod of their head telling me they at least heard or read what I have to say. Perhaps that part of me comes from being alone for so long that I never had people to even tell even my most benign thoughts too.
People have died in my world recently. Not anyone close, but not so far away as I would not notice. Death makes my problems seem petty and insignificant. In truth they are, it does not make them go away or change how I feel but I know they are. I fear for the future of my father because I can tell he does not believe he has one. He is stuck in a job he is too old to be doing, and all his friends are dead. I once said that I live in a manner that is just me committing suicide the long way around. My father is doing a much better job of it than me. All he has left are alcohol and a woman he dates simply so he won’t be alone. This alcoholic who broke my heart a thousand times slowly dying ahead of me.
What about me? I grasp for moments of happiness. I do things for the first time other have taken for granted. I can actually be happy for short periods of time. It’s the moments before and after that trouble me. A night with friends fills me with anxiety. I have trouble making phone calls and am worried something will always go wrong. Then after, I feel regret. Not at a good time, I just had but rather that I never had such experiences before. I think of the past and fall deeper down a spiral of depression. Am lucky if the only thing I feel is just empty. The funny thing about time is that it won’t stop. Life does not stop for me, my problems, my father’s problems or anyone else. Even death does not stop the march of time, at least not for everyone else. So am alive, and I will keep watching the time slip forward for as long as I am alive. Just doing my best.
It becomes hard to breath, hard to think. You feel like you’re spinning, you feel like you want to run, to escape. Anxiety is something i’ve grown to live with. It has held me back from doing so much I have wanted to do in my life. Every two steps forwards I find myself stepping back. It hurts, falling backwards hurts. It makes you question everything you have done so far, it makes you question if you should’ve worked for in the first place. “Perhaps if I never got out of bed I would not of had to feel this pain?”
Today I took a driving test, something I avoided for years. Sitting in a car with a stranger whose sole job it is to judge you. It is the totality of my fears. I worked up the courage to take this test, however I failed. I did not just fail, I started to have a panic attack that caused me to fail. I managed to park the car, but after we pulled out again my anxiety hit me, I kept making dumb mistakes. It hurt to fail, but it hurt more to fail because I fell back into my panic attacks. I was frustrated, angry at myself. I felt weak, and that all my progress was for nothing.
The anxiety from the anxiety caused me to have another panic attack when I got home. I couldn’t hold it in anymore, I curled up into a ball on the floor for close to an hour, till I felt I let it all out. When I got back up, I felt better. I walked outside and my mind seemed to be surprised the outside world still existed despite my tantrum. I have to keep moving forward. Despite my steps back, despite my outbursts and tantrums and my own mind taking a shit on me. There is no other option for me, I don’t want to hurt myself anymore, I don’t want to die, the only path left is to keep walking forward.
I feel them staring
I can hear there laughter
Their minds uncaring
My paranoia builds hereafter
Anxiety fills my mind
Are they talking about me?
I feel confined
Can’t they leave me be?
Do they look my way?
Or is it just anxiety
I must hold my fears at bay
Just to function in society.
The Anxiety normally starts the night before, if not sooner. It becomes hard to sleep, and i often dream of it. The day of, my pulse gets higher, i become restless and jittery. As i get closer i start to shake, i make mistakes, i feel like everyone is looking at me. My thoughts become hard to escape, i want to run. If something goes wrong i feel like a massive failure, thats if i made it past the anxiety to try in the first place. This anxiety has defined my life, it is the reason i don’t have friends, its the reason i can barely hold up conversation.
At best i can work through it, chant mantras in my head. Focus my thoughts on something else, let bad thoughts pass and not focus on them. At worst i have collapsed, falling into a full panic attack. Breathing irregular, unable to move. A wall in my thoughts prevents me from moving forward. Such is the reason i dropped out of High School, it is the reason i spend so much time in this one room, reading, learning and exploring worlds not my own.
Sometimes you have to just push yourself into a situation and deal with it one step at a time. You walk out that door and deal with the next thing when you get there. I don’t always follow my own advice, but the times i do work past my anxiety i feel good.