Have you ever been bullied? have you ever been the bully? I have. Bullying is a stigma that only exists because others allow it to exist. I was bullied growing up, and that lack of self confidence allowed me to ignore others who were the same. Because I ignored others pain I was just as responsible for it as the one who started the bullying. I was on the bottom of the totem poll so often that it felt good to see someone become lower than me. To my shame, I once stuck gum in a classmates notebook and laughed with the rest of the class. I’ve managed to block out much of my childhood, but this memory still haunts me.
Kids would call me names, knock my papers out of my hands, stink bomb my locker. Yet none of that hurt more then being ignored. I wasn’t a bully, and the times i was bullied were likely few and far in the grand scheme of things. I was a lonely child that was more afraid of having to be in a group project then being beaten up after school. Yet, I know the feeling of being on the bottom, with everyone around you laughing. There were also times I joined in that laughter, just because anything felt better then being on the outside of it. I may not remember much of my childhood, but both memories stay clear in my mind to this day.
Two twelve year old girls stabbed their friend 19 times in order to enter Slendermans world. They read such things on Creepypasta and as such the media is quick to blame it. While my heart goes out to the family, you can’t allow story’s to become a point of blame. No more than video games cause people to kill, story’s are not to blame. We grow up on tales of Bloody Mary and the Jersey Devil, sneaking peaks at Tale’s from the Crypt while our parents weren’t looking. Each generation has their own tales, and their own mediums to hear them. While am not saying such things are meant for kids, it takes more than simple observation to try and reenact them. I wont pretend I can tell anyone how to raise a child but i know something in the way mental illness can remain unseen till something tragic happens. It is part nature, and part nurture there will never be a single thing you can blame solely for such tragedy.
I sit here writing, not sure what to do with myself. I dislike my Birthday. It is the day i look back, and fear for my future.Every year its the same thing, it hurts, i feel alone. Memorys come back to me. My childhood, school, the late nights crying. The pain of wanting to die. I no longer want to die, but how much have i lived? The fear of living can even haunt me.
In Highschool i felt like everyone was talking about me behind my back. My paranoid mind would fill in the blanks with there mocking voices. They scared me, all of them. Lunch was the worst, when i was forced to sit there alone. Id beg that no one would notice me, but my mind told me always told me they where there. I can still feel that way at times, however am smart enough now to let just thoughts go away. not dwell on them.
Sometimes you just need to let it all out, and not dwell on it. Feel sad if you have too, feel lonely scared and alone, then get back to your life.