Another new year has come. First and foremost I should once again give another toast to all who suffer silently. Living day by day, year by year. It is much harder then you would believe.
Such occasions as today bring a sense of frustration to me. I can’t help but look back and wonder what I achieved this year. I question if being alive is enough of an achievement? Am not sure how many New Years I even really remember, In a few years I likely will forget this one as well. Many like this one were spent sitting alone, lost in thought. “Where do we come from, and where are we going?” are questions everyone struggles with. It’s a struggle to try and just live in the now.
My dog is running around the house in a panic because he is scared of fireworks. He has no concept of a year passing. To him, that loud banging noise is the most important thing. Despite the fact the world did not end the last time he heard it, nor will it end the next time. There is only now. Perhaps that is a better way to live. His brother dog died the past year. He misses him, but I don’t think he is entirely capable of dwelling on it like I am. So I say to myself and anyone reading. Be more like a dog, the past and future will always be there but you are currently alive in the now.
I saw this picture on Reddit and noticed many people thought it was creepy but I only see sadness. Empty eyes hiding behind a smiling face
An old story that I have told many times now. I stay up late, it is my birthday, and am lost in my head. I’ve said this before, but I think it is important to say, again and again, I did not expect to live this long. I am almost thirty, I truely believed without a doubt in my mind that I would be dead by now. In that respect, every moment I still exist exceeds my childhood expectations for me.
I grow older, but in many ways, I am still a child. I suppose I am not unique in this. We are all still learning, and growing and changing as people. The change is so much more subtle than I thought as a child. Depressed, happy, thoughtful it is all still me. As a teenager, you strive to be unique and even I often wondered who I would be without my depression. While my depression may never go away completely, I have learned to manage it better and better. I understand now that am still me, no matter how I change.
I had a dream that I felt I must write down. I was on a small boat with my brother and sister beside me on a completely calm and blue ocean. It was dark and there were no moon or stars in the sky. We pulled the boat up to a tiny rock island. On the island was chained a lion. The lion was sick and malnourished. Its ribs showed through its skin and patches of hair were gone, instead was rotting flesh. The lion was in its last moments of life. I called it a Revenant, because “It is already dead, it just has not accepted it yet.” We tried to step onto the lions Island to release its chains and perhaps try to put it out of its misery but the lion pulled on his chains trying to strike and bite any that approach. As he pulled on the chains that wrapped around its neck his skin ripped like paper and fresh blood pooled around him. In the panic, we fell onto our boat and caused it to tip. I woke up as the boat started to sink into the motionless sea.
Christmas has finally ended. It is a strange time indeed. This song sums up my feelings a bit.