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Category / Suicide

Changeing Gravity

Have you ever laid flat against the ground and feel as if gravity was holding you down? Sometimes I forget how much I distract myself from myself. Just a few moments alone with my thoughts is enough to send warm tears down the sides of my head. I feel somber. My mind is so very clear, but the […]

Shadow of death

I have questioned life and death more than someone my age should. Struggling with thoughts of suicide for a long time. I was scared to die but wanted it. I can recall a moment of complete despair. A moment that in my heart that I know I was going to die. I remember the very feeling […]

Pills in Hand

Yesterday I dumped my medicine into my hands. Pills in hand I studied there weight. I did not feel depressed, thoughts of suicide did not cross my mind. I just wanted to know what they felt like. It was such a surreal urge I can’t forget it. I then looked online for the overdose information […]

Can I love Myself?

I am incapable of loving myself. I have no respect for my own life, or my own body. I used to spill my own blood without regard for myself. I allow my body to be burned, hurt, and insides  rot. I have very little that am prideful for. My self esteem is something I let […]

Dream of suicide.

The other day I had a dream that’s been weighing on my mind. I’ve almost been too ashamed to share it but I don’t think it will go away till I written it down. I dreamed that I was at my family’s small little lake house. My Mom, Dad, Brother, and sister where there. My […]

Motivation

After some bloodwork I have found my triglycerides are high. It’s hardly that much of a surprise but does put me at rick for heart disease. I need to take care of myself but it’s hard to find the motivation when I can barely find the motivation to stay alive at times. My mental health has […]

Sometimes I fall.

How do you tell someone that after years of therapy and medication that you still sometimes think about suicide. That sometimes I fall down and it hurts to get back up. That I feel like Sisyphus endlessly pushing a bolder up a hill only to see it fall back down. I suppose that’s what hurts more, not […]

An never ending battle

Many who suffer mental illness soon learn their greatest opponent is themselves. There is no worse bully then your own mind. Your mind attacks you constantly, always taking every opportunity to put you down. You try to fight it, but you can’t win. Every attack you try is only another attack against yourself.  So we look […]

The Horror of Apathy

The bystander effect scares me more than death itself. The thought of dying or needing aid while surrounded by uncaring people is a compilation of all my fear and anxiety about humans. I have started to write a new short horror story with it as part of the plot and have been unable to get […]

Way out

  My eyes were always looking for a way out. Every car that passed me by was an opportunity to jump in front of it. Every wire and rope a possible way to hang myself. Every blade something I could carve into my skin. Everything seemed like a possible way out to me. I struggled […]

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