Cut and run

suicide-at-dawn-1930

Tonight I ran. Mist filled the air, covering my glasses. Music filled my headphones. It was dark and solitary. I could feel the mist on my skin and the movement of my body. I was huffing and out of breath but it was completely peaceful. I could enter a space in my head without malice for myself.

Last night I cut myself. My hand accidentally smashed into a glass light fixture. Blood spilled and dripped onto the floor. The pain was sharp, quick, and the blood was warm. I had a smile on my face, it felt good. I felt nothing but relief as blood oozed out of my hand. Am not proud of this. I stare now at the wound and wonder if I could peel all of the skin off my hand like a glove. Such feelings are better suited for one of my horror stories, but this is my life. Should I feel ashamed for a desire to hurt myself?

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4 thoughts on “Cut and run

  1. I feel the same way when I run. Destroyed, and renewed. The depression is gone at least for a little while.

    I don’t know what to say about cutting. It’s not something I’ve had to deal with. I understand people get a lot of relief from it, but then they get a lot of regret.

    Maybe go for another run?

  2. no you dont need to feel ashamed about it, but you should recognize it as a symptom of your illness that requires your attention to help curb those thoughts, urges and feelings.

  3. No you shouldnt feel ashamed, but I wish there was something I can do to help you and overcome your pain.. Learn to love yourself for who you are. You have many gifts and strenghts, such as your writing and this world needs you.

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