self hate

I am incapable of loving myself. I have no respect for my own life, or my own body. I used to spill my own blood without regard for myself. I allow my body to be burned, hurt, and insides  rot. I have very little that am prideful for. My self esteem is something I let be dragged on the ground. If I can’t love myself, can I truly love anyone else?
I had a rather silly dream. A gunman was threatening others and with no care to my own life I stood up to him proving he was incapable of shooting anyone. I was praised as brave, but such praise only hurt me. The truth was I stood up to the gunman because I simply wanted him to kill me.