I have always been my own worst bully. Sometimes when I have no obligations I oversleep greatly. I’ve told myself that I am such a waste, lazy, fat, a slob. I sleep for over twelve hours till I get hungry enough to leave my bed. I allow trash to build up around me, and call myself the same.
My intelligence and imagination has always been beloved traits of mine. As such it’s something my mind knows to turn against me. If I make a mistake am stupid. Dumb and Stupid often echo in my head over and over. Am a moron, a fool, a child. I seek out and aim for my own vulnerabilities. What I call spiral logic soon kicks in. I bully myself for bullying myself. I feel the need to punish myself further because I punished myself. “It’s stupid to think this way, why don’t you just stop” It’s a constant battle that I fought most of my life. My mind has always taken every opportunity to put me down in my life. I try to fight it, the most effective tactic I learned was not to dwell on such thoughts. That If I call myself stupid or a loser that I let the thought come and go. I don’t think about it more than the first thought, I don’t let myself spiral into a mental argument of why am stupid or a loser. I remove the emphasis and don’t dwell, letting the voice in my head grow weaker. I don’t always succeed, but I try.