Dream of suicide.

hangman noose with a dramatic background
hangman noose with a dramatic background

The other day I had a dream that’s been weighing on my mind. I’ve almost been too ashamed to share it but I don’t think it will go away till I written it down. I dreamed that I was at my family’s small little lake house. My Mom, Dad, Brother, and sister where there. My nostalgia was over run by depression. A deep inexpiable depression that I could not explain to anyone around me. A ran away and hid myself in a small room to hide my shame. It was then that hand belonging to no one handed me a noose.

I awoke, but the dream still stays vivid in my mind. Haunting me a little. I can only think that hand was the worst parts of mind. Telling me to give up. The voice that I keep fighting everyday.

2 thoughts on “Dream of suicide.

  1. Hi. I don’t know you, but I know your brother. He has always been kind to me. I hope these words will pass that on a little. I’ve struggled with such thoughts and dreams all my life, too.

    I think the part that comes first is the fight. I had to beat the demon down, look him in the eyes, and tell him he wasn’t in control. But the demon never goes away, right? He’s always there in the blind spots, waiting for moments of weakness, and I’m not always ready for a fight.

    So maybe the trick is to find some means of coexistance. Appease the demon when possible, and do what you can to make that part of your mind expressive and open to the world. Time heals all wounds…so long as they aren’t hidden away. Give the demon a life to love, a life that even he appreciates. Mine loves fighting, Tom Waits, and cynical, dark comedies. My demon isn’t so bad while he’s riding a nuke into the void. Every now and then, I can even tap into his stubbornness and idiocy to do something really great. We’ve become good sparring partners, if nothing else: not friends, but not enemies, either.

    And if the demon goes back to old ways, the fight’s back on. But I’ve already beaten him down before. What’s once more? At least this way, the fight is only occasional. It isn’t constant, and it doesn’t creep in from the shadows. It’s right next to me, a part of my mind and an element of my perspective, just as invested in me as I am.

    Or maybe I’m just rambling on the internet. Either way, just know that you don’t struggle alone 🙂

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