Many who suffer mental illness soon learn their greatest opponent is themselves. There is no worse bully then your own mind. Your mind attacks you constantly, always taking every opportunity to put you down. You try to fight it, but you can’t win. Every attack you try is only another attack against yourself. So we look for ways out. We hurt ourselves or seek drugs to numb the mind. When that inevitably does not work we start to question suicide.
One of the worst things to tell a suicidal person is “You will go to hell if you do.” Our lives had already become hell, we can not see anything possibly being worse than the now and then. If Hell exists it be a welcome change then the hell on earth our lives had become. If there is no hell then the void sounds just fine.
There is no escaping your mind. You can only learn to live with him. Fighting makes things worse, letting him win makes things worse. So you must compromise your life. You learn more about the foe in your head and you learn how to control and live with it. It is not a storybook ending but it is life. Take your time, learn, live.