A hand full of pills

Suicide trigger warning–

Recent news has turned my thoughts to suicide once again. I suppose it never really takes much, suicide was once such a major occupier of my mind i’ll never be rid of it. Nor do I want to be. I haven’t thought of killing myself in close to a decade now, but I think the topic itself often. The sadness I fought has made me who I am.


There is a time I want to write about. A time my mind wanted to forget, a instance I try not to remember but must. I was at my worst, I dropped out of high school. Depression and anxiety ruled my life. Late one night while everyone was asleep I grabbed all my medication and a bottle of tylenol. I made a handful of the mixed pills and decided to swallow them. My rational mind told me this would not be enough, that I likely wouldn’t die from just a handful of pills only hurt myself. The darker parts of my mind wanted it to be enough, I wanted to go to sleep and not wake up. I suppose the worst part about trying to kill yourself with pills is you need to actually wait till the pills take effect. A half hour later I was scared out of my mind. I ran to my bathroom and throw up till I could not do so anymore.


After that, I pretend it never happened. No one noticed, and I didn’t tell anyone. I buried it so deep in my mind it seems strange to remember now. It took a long time to get over my suicidal thoughts. It was little changes over time, so small that I could not notice them until i looked back at how bad I truly was. I wanted to share this as long as the memory resurfaced in my mind. It was stupid, foolish, and likely wouldn’t even have killed me, but I wanted to be saved so I looked for an answer in a hand full of pills. Keep walking forward, and one day you may be able to look back and be amazed that was you, but be proud that you lived it.


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