It becomes hard to breath, hard to think. You feel like you’re spinning, you feel like you want to run, to escape. Anxiety is something i’ve grown to live with. It has held me back from doing so much I have wanted to do in my life. Every two steps forwards I find myself stepping back. It hurts, falling backwards hurts. It makes you question everything you have done so far, it makes you question if you should’ve worked for in the first place. “Perhaps if I never got out of bed I would not of had to feel this pain?”
Today I took a driving test, something I avoided for years. Sitting in a car with a stranger whose sole job it is to judge you. It is the totality of my fears. I worked up the courage to take this test, however I failed. I did not just fail, I started to have a panic attack that caused me to fail. I managed to park the car, but after we pulled out again my anxiety hit me, I kept making dumb mistakes. It hurt to fail, but it hurt more to fail because I fell back into my panic attacks. I was frustrated, angry at myself. I felt weak, and that all my progress was for nothing.
The anxiety from the anxiety caused me to have another panic attack when I got home. I couldn’t hold it in anymore, I curled up into a ball on the floor for close to an hour, till I felt I let it all out. When I got back up, I felt better. I walked outside and my mind seemed to be surprised the outside world still existed despite my tantrum. I have to keep moving forward. Despite my steps back, despite my outbursts and tantrums and my own mind taking a shit on me. There is no other option for me, I don’t want to hurt myself anymore, I don’t want to die, the only path left is to keep walking forward.
“The days you are most uncomfortable are the days you learn the most about yourself.” – Mary L. Bean