I hate my Birthdays, it is often a time i find my self falling back into depression. Why? Well like most things dealing with depression the reason is often odd and confusing. I can’t help but reflect on past birthdays, i’ve had very few typical birthdays a child has. I have not had many friends throughout my life, and often my childhood birthdays involve inviting over the one or two friends i did happen to have at the time mixed with my brothers friends, i never found it very enjoyable. As i got older, and my Social Anxiety got worse, my birthdays became a solo affair. My family would become the only ones that would mark the occasion. With this my birthdays started to represent how lonely i am, and was. Every year i would reflect on this loneliness and grow more depressed, but i believe there is more too it then just that.
There may be a part of me that does not want me to be happy on my Birthday. That i should punish myself for all the time i wasted, all the missed opportunity of my life. Doing this however only wastes more time, and causes more missed opportunity. This is what i like to call the Depression paradox. Depression is a gross eater, and finds ways to fuel itself. Am depressed because am lonely, am lonely because am depressed. One feeds the other, and so on. I feel that my birthdays have fallen into this paradox. Am depressed on my birthdays, because i make myself depressed on my birthdays. Every year i look back on how depressing my birthdays are, and feel worse, feeding into it every year. My goal will have to become to stop feeding it, and hope it starves.