Birthdays and Paradoxes


I hate my Birthdays, it is often a time i find my self falling back into depression. Why? Well like most things dealing with depression the reason is often odd and confusing. I can’t help but reflect on past birthdays, i’ve had very few typical birthdays a child has. I have not had many friends throughout my life, and often my childhood birthdays involve inviting over the one or two friends i did happen to have at the time mixed with my brothers friends, i never found it very enjoyable. As i got older, and my Social Anxiety got worse, my birthdays became a solo affair. My family would become the only ones that would mark the occasion. With this my birthdays started to represent how lonely i am, and was. Every year i would reflect on this loneliness and grow more depressed, but i believe there is more too it then just that.

There may be a part of me that does not want me to be happy on my Birthday. That i should punish myself for all the time i wasted, all the missed opportunity of my life. Doing this however only wastes more time, and causes more missed opportunity. This is what i like to call the Depression paradox. Depression is a gross eater, and finds ways to fuel itself. Am depressed because am lonely, am lonely because am depressed. One feeds the other, and so on.  I feel that my birthdays have fallen into this paradox. Am depressed on my birthdays, because i make myself depressed on my birthdays. Every year i look back on how depressing my birthdays are, and feel worse, feeding into it every year. My goal will have to become to stop feeding it, and hope it starves.

One thought on “Birthdays and Paradoxes

  1. Depression around ones’ birthday is fairly common. It is a marker of life and some years are a marker of where one should be in that life. I stay in my PJ’s all day and watch the same movie every year since turning 40–Beatrice Jones’ diary. A perfect movie for my frame of mind on that day. I figure my brain is depressed for a reason, so use the day to rest and relax and don’t make a fuss about it. So goes my thinking!

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