Anxiety of the Unknown

The Anxiety normally starts the night before, if not sooner. It becomes hard to sleep, and i often dream of it. The day of, my pulse gets higher, i become restless and jittery. As i get closer i start to shake, i make mistakes, i feel like everyone is looking at me. My thoughts become hard to escape, i want to run. If something goes wrong i feel like a massive failure, thats if i made it past the anxiety to try in the first place. This anxiety has defined my life, it is the reason i don’t have friends, its the reason i can barely hold up conversation.

At best i can work through it, chant mantras in my head. Focus my thoughts on something else, let bad thoughts pass and not focus on them. At worst i have collapsed, falling into a full panic attack. Breathing irregular, unable to move. A wall in my thoughts prevents me from moving forward. Such is the reason i dropped out of High School, it is the reason i spend so much time in this one room, reading, learning and exploring worlds not my own.

Sometimes you have to just push yourself into a situation and deal with it one step at a time. You walk out that door and deal with the next thing when you get there. I don’t always follow my own advice, but the times i do work past my anxiety i feel good.

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