Suicide

Suicide

What does suicide mean to you? That word, that action, i cant escape it. When i was younger, it was all i could think about. There is one night i remember clearly though. I was lying in my bed, starring at the ceiling. Suicide was once again on my mind, however something was different this time, i really felt like i could go through with it. As i lied there starring at the ceiling, this prospect scared the hell out of me, i was terrified of myself. Many of my worst “episodes” feel dreamlike, but this one still sits clearly in my mind. I forgot something, i forgot i used to practice chocking myself. There is so much i pushed to the back of my mind, i just remembered i did this. I roll a sheet or pillow case up till it was rope like and tie it around my neck, pull to cut the oxygen off. Thankfuly this bad habit turned into another dream in my memory’s and i simply stopped doing it, favoring cutting most likely.

Even today, i cant escape suicide. Am not really sure i want to. I no longer want to die, but am often drawn to story’s of it. I recall the pain and the fear, the sleepless nights and obsession. Mostly, however, i recall the loneliness. Lonely sums up my life rather well. With depression, there is no greater segregation, your mind does not see you worthy enough to be around people, you are shit and scum. You can angry at them, there lack of understanding, the fact that your mind wont let you relate to them makes them not worth it either. I called myself Antisocial and acted like this was normal for me. However my mind was in a battle, stuck somewhere between longing and hating the people around me. I cried myself to sleep often, hoping someone would hear and help, and hating the idea of someone overhearing. I wanted someone to save me, yet couldn’t explain what i needed saving from.

Escape, i wanted to escape. So your mind turns to suicide. You daydream of what your funeral would be like, would anyone bother to show up? As such thoughts linger in your mind, you feel like a coward for not committing suicide. Its an endless cycle of contraindications  that continue to fight over and over again in your mind.  However, even if i thought i could commit Suicide, or that i was a coward not to, i didn’t do it. I wish i could say something inspiring like the love of the moon rise stopped me, however it was a long slow process. I followed advice i learned from my therapy, i started to allow such thoughts into my mind, but let them pass. I wasn’t fighting myself to not think of suicide, but rather let such thoughts come, but not dwell on them. I could walk down the street and think about jumping in front of a truck, but now not let my mind erupte into an endless battle of to be or not to be, i let that thought come then move on to the next thing my mind wanted to think of.

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