Are we the sum of our past? My past may be an obstacle to my future. I was always a lonely child, i could never make friends on my own. I would often leech onto my older brother, to his annoyance, as my only companion. Its hard to remember the good times, and there where some good times, when the bad times always seem to stick so much to my memory’s. I couldn’t make friends, and every attempt that ended in failure stayed with me, making the next one even harder. I can recall clearly when i was a child, couldn’t of been older then 8-9 and some kids refused my proposal to play with them. Why does memory work like that? The bad times always leave a much more lasting impression.
As i grow older i only became more and more isolated. In school i was always afraid of pick your own partner assignments. I felt like the whole class was looking at me as i couldn’t pick anyone, i always ended up having the teacher pair me up with who ever was left. I still remember eating alone at lunch, hoping no one looks at me to notice am eating alone. I could find a few to tag along with at time, friends of my brothers, others that where outcasts of the social norm of school. However as they made there plans for the weekend, i would sit there hoping they invite me, wishing i was not so alone.
When i look at it from this light, its hardly a wonder as to why i dropped out of High School. The anxiety no one else could see came to the surface. The thought of going to school make me ill, i would drop to my knees and dry heave. Its hard to live that down, even after so many years. I vanished from school like a ghost, wondering if i ever made any impression. Am 25 years old now, i have a GED, and i still often dream of walking back to school and continuing where i left off, time stopped and waiting for me.
The world is better for me now. My anxiety is at manageable levels, suicide thoughts are almost all but gone, and depression is also manageable. However, my past has left me a world where i don’t have friends, and am terribly behind socially. I get by, i create new memories, i have moments of happiness. However, the fight goes on as they say. I must build from a past, that i often have trouble separating from a dream.