A watching ghost.

Dissociation, apathy, out of sorts, disconnected, all words used to describe the experience many depressed people feel often. I felt this way again today, i felt myself going into the motions with no real control over myself. Its like watching someone else. According to wikipedia, Dissociation is a term in psychology.  describing a wide array of experiences from mild detachment from immediate surroundings to more severe detachment from physical and emotional experience.

Its a coping mechanism to deal with stress. Work has made me feel a lot of stress lately and am falling back into old habits like this. How can anything hurt you when your not even there. Some people have to drugs to enter this state, us “lucky” depressed can enter this state all on there own, the human mind is amazing in that way. I want to escape reality, am sure am not alone. I have no self esteem, and i dont deal with stress well. Its unsettleing to feel this way, but familiar. There was a time i go every day like this, just watching another person live my life till i got home and collapsed. I collapsed under the weight of my emotions coming back to me. Then i cut myself to let the emotions back out again, sometimes i cut myself to bring me back from dissociation as well.

I can understand why i get into this state, i can understand how i came to use this coping mechanism. I like to say this knowledge will help me past it. Its hard to say really, but understanding your actions and your very strange thought process and mind set goes a long way. Its the foundation to build new healthier coping mechanisms. No matter how hard i try i may likely fall back to this state from time to time. In a way, the battle with depression never ends, no matter how many years you seem to move forward.

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