There is no shying away at how powerful ones mind can be. Your very reality is taken by your senses and filtered in this instrument. I’ve been lost in my head for as long as i can remember. Perhaps it was simply middle child syndrome that brought this on…but over time i started to talk less and less out loud. The conversations in my mind however, where endless.
As i grow lonely, so did my thoughts. My mind looked for answers, it looked for blame. I was an easy target, every failure was multiplied in my head. Every short coming became a cause to hate myself. The anxiety grow worse and worse, as far as my mind was concerned, everyone was looking at what a sad sight i was.
There where bully’s, but none so bad as my own head. Nothing said to me could be worse then what i said to myself. Life grow harder to live, sleep was easier. I soon found i could no longer fall asleep on my own. As my head hit the pillow my mind would still race, i would think of so many things, and other worlds, the meaning of life, but also why i was worthless.
The fear of failure grow into an anxiety of the world, but mostly people. I no longer know how to speak outside this head, when i did i grow afraid. Soon my thoughts changed to something new…i had to die. I spent so many hours trying to decide if i wanted to die. Soon the front of a moving car seemed like the way out, height seemed like a decisions of life or death. My dreams turned to what my funreal be like, about how little the world would care.
In the end, i never made the effort to do it, i was afraid…it scared me of how long it would take for anyone to even notice i was gone. It took some time, but i had to change the way my mind worked bit by bit. I had to let every insult it throw my way pass. Stoping my thoughts was not an option, but i dident have to follow each one, i learned to just accept them and move on to the next thought.
It be a simple world if i could say i was cured, or happy now. It doesn’t work that way. Do i want to live? Yes. I still feel pain, unhappiness, loneliness. There are things i could change if i could, but my mind still allows me to think. There are story’s, and great thoughts left for me to ponder, with out that ability there is no existence for me.