A Dog, a Friend, a Brother

To be honest, ive been avoiding writing this. I recently had to put my dog down. I loved that dog, and i miss him badly. We spent 16 long years together and through most of it i considered him my only friend. But he got old, and old things die.

Something i rarely tell people is if he died 5 years ago i would not have hesitated to take my life. He was my center, he was my happy place to keep in my mind while i was having a panic attack. I told myself if he was going to die, i was going to go with him. Because he lived so did I. This is where my religious friends would tell me god sent him, or it was fate. I cant say for sure.

At this moment, at this time, i feel the last bits of my youth slip away from me, they feel so wasted. I spent them so alone. Like missing my High School graduation i feel like i lost my chance at closer. Its days like this that my memory’s of being lost or alone come back to me.

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One thought on “A Dog, a Friend, a Brother

  1. Ryan, I am sorry for your loss. I am VERY sorry too for the depth of the hurt and it’s broader meaning in your life, these sorts of mind-benders really can send us into a real valley of dispair. I now the big secret, life IS mostly kinda stupid. We think OUR life is so much more important than a chicken’s or a frog’s, wrong. It’s only more important to US! The dispair can be understandable as there is no grand plan or actual “reason” for all the hurt, though it seems like there should be! I do however take some comfort from the good times, the flip-side of life’s coin. There is no answer for why I even get the good times. No, I don’t “deserve” the bad, but I also don’t deserve the good times either, I’m no saint! I enjoy the good, (barely) ride out the bad, and try to accept life for what it seems to be: one hell of a roller coaster of experience and learning. The good that you do, here and there is one of the things that gives your life “value”. The love that you share with others is something that gives it “meaning”. The fun and happy moments is what gives it “reason”. The learning and growing gives it depth! Nothing I’ve found can make it much more (on teh good end) than those aspects, that I’ve seen, so I try to measure those experiences against the bad ones.I try for me to string together MORE of the former, than the later. I’ve seen you reach out to other depressives and those with suicidal tendencies through sharing and I figure you have probably helped many others is big ways and small, that is a good thing and shouldn’t be wasted. You’ve probably saved at least one or too actual lives by something shared at just teh right moment with someone who was close, that is quite special, THAT is what our life is at it’s finest: informing and shaping others’ lives in special ways, like SAVING THEM! Their lives like yours, probably don’t matter much to the universe, and yet you would most likely wish them well and help in their hurt if/when you could/can. You would find the good and valuable in them, not focus on the futility in the grand scheme. They would do the same for you, so know that and feel it! We’re all in the same trap, and we all get the same MOMENT, this one! You can find value in THIS exact second and string some of them moments together, and life will at the least, not be total torture and maybe be (worth?) living? Your dog loved you (in the way that only a dog can and does) and would want you to still be here making the most of this life, so honor his memory, and go on…….

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