I’ve always been a night owl. Not because of going out late, or playing video games, or watching TV, but because i could never sleep. Every time i put my head down and close my eyes my mind starts to race, thoughts running a mile. There was not much i could do to stop them. There was a time where such thoughts be hurtful, self demeaning. My mind would tell me how worthless i was, how alone i was, how i should not be alive. Its hardly a wonder i have had low self esteem in the past. The greatest trick i learned to over come such thought was to let them pass. Do not dwell on your thoughts, if a thought comes to you your worthless, don’t think about it anymore then that and move onto your next thought. I wish i could show people this trick, but its a learned trait. It takes much trial and error, and many nights of crying yourself to sleep.
Even if i did fall asleep, rest was hard to come by. The dreams came, the powerful dreams. Id dream of things ive wasted, of things ive lost.The worst dreams where of things i did not have but wanted so much that waking up became painful. Nowadays I often Lucid Dream am not sure how i came to do this, but i rarely have a dream that i don’t know is a dream anymore. Perhaps its better this way.